11-11-09.....Wednesday....Veteran's Day

"Falling Down Really Hard"

Did anyone get the number of that bus that ran over me yesterday?? I come to confess my sins. No not those sins, the sins of falling prey to the sugar yesterday. I had been doing so great, and I have no clue what happened, but I can tell you it was ugly, I mean real ugly. Today is a new day, I feel horrible, every joint in my body hurts, and yes, I deserve that. I have no bonus points left, in fact I would say not only did I use up all of my 35 for this week, but I just about bet I used my bonus points up for the rest of 2009.

I know my daily e-mails are suppose to be motivational, but as we all know they are about me, my life, and my ups and downs, and guess what, ''everyday is not a motivational day" lol lol. It all began with my not wanting to have to bake a dessert for Thanksgiving, I saw the commercial on TV for the Pie Kitchen, in St. Matthews. So after my new eye shadow adventure, that was my next stop, order a pie for Thanksgiving. Never have been in that place, and I'm here to tell you, not a place for a food-aholic to go. Went in, mercy, all the pretty pies and cakes, I lost my mind. There was this little voice in my head that kept telling me, ''run, get the hell out of here!!!!!" Danger, Danger Joan McAdams. It is amazing how you can shut those voices out, and yes, I regret to say I shut them out.

I went crazy......I lost my mind.....I lost all self-control....I lost all respect. I had an affair with the pies right there in front of God and everyone that happened to come by. Here was my thinking. If I just order one slice of pie. Yeah, like that would ever happen. But I did just order one slice of pie, one slice of coconut, one of chocolate, one of lemon chess, and one of chocolate chess pie. Yes, you have read that sentence correctly. I was like a thief, looking over my shoulder praying, that on one I knew would walk through those pie kitchen doors and ask me ''are you have company for dinner tonight?" I was just like that drug addict that went to the dark alley to buy their drugs. I felt ashamed, but could not walk away. BTW, all those slices of pie were quite expensive. Reality still did not set in even when the young man that was packing up my little container of pie asked me, ''do you need forks?" Oh I see, you, young man have no clue how a sugar addict works. I declined the forks. I went ahead ordered the pie for turkey day, took my two white bags, and headed for the car. As if I was having an out of body experience, before I could even get the key in , I had one bag open, and going for the lemon chess pie. I have never, ever tasted anything as sweet as that pie was, and to be quite honest it was not even that good. But did it stop me?? Afraid not, I finished off that one piece and headed for the chocolate chess pie. I was a woman on the streets driving under the influence of a lot of sugar. My heart felt as if it would beat right out of my chest. My heart was beating so hard, that I could actually hear it in my ears. I was so wired. I did bring the other two pieces of pie, chocolate cream and coconut cream home, and told Bob, ''honey, I got two pieces of pie, and I thought we could sample them tonight." Yes, I lied to this sweet man, even though I've always told him, ''if I ever have the desire to cheat on you, I will be woman enough to tell you up front." However, I meant by having an extra-marital affair, not the affair with the sugar. I stood right there acting all holier than thou, batting my eyes as if I were a frog in a hail storm, lying to not only Bob, but to myself. I actually felt dirty. I felt the lowest of low. Wish I could tell you that I just threw out the rest of the pie, but no at dinner last night, I did spit the two remaining pieces, between Bob and I. Bob, took maybe two bites, then said, ''honey this is good, but I've had all I want." Only good thing I can say was I ran his down the garbage disposal. You all know I ate mine.

I did not sleep well last night, I am ashamed of what I have done, but I felt the need to tell you all about my falling off the bus, and being dragged through St. Matthews yesterday. Wish I could say, ''I will never do that again." But truth is, ''I'm an addict when it comes to food, sweets especially, and just like the drug addict, or alcoholic, I am just a breath away from letting this happen again."

You maybe sitting there wondering, ''why didn't she call someone?" The answer........''I wanted the fix, more than I wanted to be talked out of it." I am not proud of what I did yesterday, as a matter of fact quite disgusted with myself. However, it is done, that was yesterday, nothing I can do about it now, the damage has been done, and now I have to start all over again, getting off the sugar. No smiling faces for me that is for sure.

I will move on, and I begin today, by going to the gym. Even though I feel like crap, I am hitting the gym, and trust me it will hurt like the dickens, but I knew what I was doing. I maybe at goal, actually was below my goal, but I allowed myself to tell me, ''you can walk in there order that pie, and walk out." It was a good thought, I could have even called the order in, but no, I knew what I was going to do when I set out yesterday. I have fallen, but I will get back up, and I WILL MOVE ON FROM HERE. I'm not even going to feel sorry for myself, I am going to move on. I have a disease, there is no cure for it, no one but myself can control it. I drove into the Bermuda Triangle and got sucked in.

So today ladies, that is my story. I am not proud of the story or myself, but I am human, I failed yesterday, but today I get the clean slate, I will get on the scale come Saturday, and I will face the music, and "Toni's Look."